And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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