OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
