Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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