Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
