I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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