Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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