I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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