What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize