I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
