Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Bring me that man meat
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize