it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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