He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
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