forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Randomize
