my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
