We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
