K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
