she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Randomize
