thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
