**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
