Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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