just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My penis needs a shock collar
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
