Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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