I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
