She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
How external is "for external use only"?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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