I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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