I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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