I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
