last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
