I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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