wrigley field is MILF paradise
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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