fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
