Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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