He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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