Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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