Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
