So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
