Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
