My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
We're using joints as your birthday candles
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
