They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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