my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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