Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
