I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
