I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
