they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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