At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
