I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
There's always time for handjobs
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
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