If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
