I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It was confusing and full of hummus
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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