My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Randomize
