I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
