She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
