You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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