I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
