plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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