Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
