i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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