I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
