there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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