Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I take back everything I said about communal showers
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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