cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize