did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
