he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
