3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
