Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
