Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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