dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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